Brady recovers after $6 Million Surgery

After watching the pathetic display of football on Sunday, New England Patriots QB Tom Brady decided to take matters into his own hands. After his Sunday morning visit to the office of world famous Dr Rudy Wells P.H.D, MD, Brady considered speeding the operation on his left knee injury. After consulting with Patriots team doctors, Dr. Bertram "Za Za"Zarins and Dr. Thomas J."Shakey Jake" Gill, Brady underwent a risky operation which will turn 45% of his body into a cyborg. Before the procedure, Dr Wells briefed his team of world class doctors, voo doo shamans, witch doctors, and his former high school principle "Tom Brady, quarterback. A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man. Tom Brady will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster". After three days of surgery with only 36 hours of rest(watching reruns of Entourage in between sessions) the miracle was a complete success. His right arm, both legs and the left eye are replaced by "bionic" implants that enhance his strength, speed and vision far above human norms. He can run at speeds of 60 miles per hour (100 km/h), and his eye has a 20:1 zoom lens and infrared capabilities. Attached to his throwing arm is a shoulder rig capable of throwing a football from hard enough to go through a concrete wall and accurate enough to take down a 10point buck at 400 yards. He's ready for playoffs!

I think he'll do just fine.

Capt

Bumble Bee Tuna

Working nights I tend to sleep way pas the afternoons. During the NFL Season I almost never sleep in late on Sundays. Mostly because I know by the time I wake up, the Patriots are usually speedbaggin some team by halftime. Normally when I wake up and see the Pats losing I always feel safe knowing Tom Brady will save the day. Tom will make everything alright. That was until I woke up in a cold sweat realizing that Tom, is not playing today. After sharting a bit in my pajamas, sprinted to my living room and saw what must've been a nightmare. The Patriots were losing. Not only losing, but getting a**pounded by the Dolphins. The same team that after beating the Ravens for their only win last year, were happier than pigs in s***!

So, after kicking a puppy and pushing an old lady into traffic, I came to the realization that maybe Moose isn't the QB we need. Maybe the Pats should've sent Moss down the field for bombs instead of averaging 6.3yrds/catch. Maybe(Big Maybe) this loss was a good thing. We all know what happened last year when they didn't lose a game. The media pounced all over them about the perfect season. Constantly harrassing the Patriots and putting alot of pressure on them eventually wearing them down. So I ask you this: "Is this loss a good thing?".

World's smallest violin playing just for you

Like most kids, I grew up wishing to be like Jim Brown, or Jerrry Rice, or Bo Jackson. Just hoping to have the chance to become an NFL star. Imagine packed stadiums of fans wearing your jersey and hoping that you will take them team into the playoffs and into the Superbowl. Sponsorships, multi-million dollar contracts, and making it rain on all the strippers you want. Who wouldn't want such a life?

Vince Young.

That douchebag decides he wants to hang it up because his fans boo'd him for getting hurt after week one. Well boo f***in' hoo!!! Put down the tissue and get back out there. What is wrong with young athletes today? Fighting at nightclubs, fighting bouncers at stripclubs, slamming a stripper's face onto stages with $81,020 of your won cash and two of your Breitling watches, having family memebers contact the local police because they think you're suicidal, getting arrested for providing alcohol to minors, allegedly assaulting a worker/valet, spitting on woman for allegedly stealing your walet, letting drug dealer friends borrow your cellphone to make drug deals, and overall just being morons. Its as if they don't appreciate the oppurtunity they have to be a pro athlete. You hear about athletes from slums of big cities that go on to do well. But mostly you hear about the one sfrom the slums that bring it with them to the pros. I'm tired of hearing the old "You can take the athlete out of the ghetto, but you can't take the gheto out of the athlete" saying. And theres not really alot of thugs in pro sports that act like idots. Just that 10% that make national headlines.

All in all, if Young wants out, let him go.

Single Tear

There are only three reasons why men from New England should cry:

1) You watched "The Departed" and marveled at its accurate portrayal of Bostonians.

2) You throw out the first pitch at a Red Sox game 20yrs after you let a routine grounder go through your legs during the World Series. Only to get a 4 minute standing ovation from a sell out crowd that would've beaten you to death with a Bill Buckner Bobblehead doll before 2004.

3) You see the epitomy of being a true athlete getting carried off the field seven minutes into the 1st quarter.

If you're like me, chances are you love the New England Patriots. If you're not tike me, chances are you spent your Sunday rewatching "Notting Hill", Love Actually", and season 2 of "Sex and the City". For those of you real New Englanders that watched week 1 and saw as our Golden Boy was sniped by a Chiefs defender, you'll agree when I say.........what now?

After watching Brady being helped off the field Sunday I felt abandoned. That feeling when your parents drop you off at your first day of high school and you don't really know everyone there except the same kids you were in junior high school with. You know, that feeling like you have no one around to tell you where to go or what to do. Just, lost.

After I cried into my pillow( Yeah, so what? I cried.), I couldn't picture a season without Tom. He IS Patriots football. Its not like in 2001 when Drew McQueen Bledsoe went down after being rocked by the Jets' Mo Lewis. After that hit, I kind of felt better. I was tired of Drew and his selfish attitude sucking the life out of my Pats. I don't expect Cassel to be the next Brady. Thats just dumb. I do, however, expect him to go 18/21, 245yrds, 2TDs, 0INTs per game. Not too hard to do. In a strange coincidence on cassel replaced Brady while hours before his brother Jack Cassel(Pitcher for the Houston Astros) replaced injured teammate Wandy Rodriguez in the first inning at Colorado. Hmmmmm.

I honestly don't kow what to expect. I was so amped up about the season that now I feel like I should be in mourning. I haven't felt this letdown since I was in the miliary about to take shore leave in Thailand only to be told an hour before walking onto their prostitute infested beaches that we weren't going. Blue balls.

Why I should be a NFL GM

Over the years I've come to realize a few things:

1) The Bengals will always have an excuse as to why they suck. Why are they still around? I'm sure some other city would love to have a NFL team. Doesn't Miami need one?


2) The Patriots will always have a televised game where sports announcers mention "Spy Gate" at least 4 times before halftime. Especially if they're playing the Jets.

3) Tom Brady will always be on the "Probable" for his shoulder so don't make a huge story. I've must've seen "Brady says he's okay to start the season opener". Well of course he's playing in the season opener! I'm sure his "injuries" aren't slowing him down from piledriving Giselle Bundchen. Don't make this a big deal. I know he's fine, all of New England knows he's fine. Stop with the Breaking News cause its dumb. He's going to play.


4) Fox NFL Sunday needs to change their "Robots playing 1 on 1 football" segment before commercial. Its dumb. Robots don't play football. If they did, we'd have alot more violent games where a delay of game call would result in the football filled with C4 to explode. And why are these robots doing laps on screen in an attempt to "Warm Up"? Why are these things shaking out their "Hammies"? If you wanna us to be excited that there's a commercial break and want us to be entertained for 5 seconds before and after the commercial, just show us some hot cheerleader bouncing around. I'd rather watch that than some frickin' robot pointing menacingly fro the screen as he paces back and forth across my TV all the while blocking my shot of the cheerleaders. Sex sells. Robots don't.



5) Mike Shanahan hates fantasy football GMs. Just frickin' tell me who's starting Sunday!! Words like "Questionable", "Doubtful", "Probable", and "Not Available" are used to describe women I meet at bars. While "PUP" describes my ability to perform in bed with these women.

#5 brings me to my main topic of "Why I should be a NFL GM". I can tell you if Jay Cutler will have a great year(3600yrds, 24TDs, 21INTs) or if Pacman Jones(with members of his entourage) will "Make it rain" on offenses. Why can't GMs see that guys like Warrick Dunn are done? Or Matt Leinart will never be the Cardinals QB as long as Warner is there? I don't care if you spent a #1 pick on the kid. Its all about winning. You can spend the season vomiting on the sidelines watching Leinart or you can produce numbers and possibly wins with Born Again Kurt(the poor guy has a Marine for a wife. Good for you Kurt). Sometimes teams stick with players that would've been beaten by the whole team using a garden hose filled with cement. Rex Grossman. Now after wiping the vomit from your mouth after reading that name, I'm sure many of you remember his rise and fall two season ago. His teammates and the Chicago media went from calling him "Sexy Rexy" to "Oh, him". Watching him mess up that Bears offensive was brutal. I had him as a fantasy QB and I was physically ill on Monday and Tuesday mornings. It got to the point where I dropped him off my roster and wanted him to break a leg. I know its not right to wish harm on any athlete other than Derek Jeter(prancing around with that "I'm just here having fun so who cares I just grounded into a double play grin).

Speaking of Rex. Quick story. I had a dream one night where I was in a glass booth eating pizza with a six pack of Shipyard's Pumpkinhead Ale(I know. Great dream thus far) siting in a comfy leather chair complete with an ottoman. For some reason, I was in Chicago on the side of street outside Soldier Field. People were oblivious to me sitting in this glass box in my Sponge Bob PJs drinking beer at noon. When all of a sudden i see Rex Grossman walking across the street. SOme young kid asked him to autograph a football. After Rexy signed it, he told the kid to go long. his little kid ran down the street with his arms in the air ready for a catch. Rex cocked his arm back to throw it when he spontaneously combust into a ball of flames. There he was, covered in flames. People walked past him without a second glance. As if they couldn't hear his screams of pain. I stood up in my box, careful not to spill my beer, and yelled for someone to help him or put him out of his misery. Thats when Lovie Smith appeared next to me outisde of my glass box. I yelled at Lovie to stop this madness and to take poor Rexy out. "He's dying out there!" I yelled. "Why aren't you doing anything?" I screamed at Lovie who just stood there, calm, watching this disaster. Then, without even looking at me, as if talking to someone else, Lovie says "Rex is our quarterback". I woke up dripped in sweat and ran to my computer and dropped Rex forever from any FFL team I had him on.



Nowdays I believe Lovie Smith pretends Rex was a bad choice as QB and often tries to trick the media into thinking of Rex as a great humanitarian. "Did you know Rex once helped Robbie Gould set up his new HDTV? Or what about the time Cedric Benson had cramped up his right thigh and rex rubbed fish oil on ith to help Cedric make a speedy recovery? I don't know what the problem is but Rex hosts the biggest lockeroom Halloween costume party that I've ever seen. Boobing for apples the morning before a big game? Totally helps ease the tension".



Honestly, between the new Madden, FFL, and Sportscenter, I think I can do a great job running any team. Except for the Bengals. They're an abortion.



Capt.
aka Treinta y tres

Why watch the Olympics? Hmmmmm.....

Ask Dubbya.

"Merman, Pop. MERMAN"

Oh how I wish I was a fish to swim in the deep blue sea.I would swim up and down and all around in laps of two or three.

Michael Phelps is what he is. A fish amongst mere men. He won the 200-meter freestyle by breaking his own record by a full second. A FULL SECOND!!! I know I said I really don't care about the Olympics But, I soon saw myself rooting for any american on tv. I think its because of the anticipation of fantasy football coming around the corner that makes people dismiss this Olympics as a lame. But, there I was. Standing on my bed screaming "USA! USA! USA!" while wearing my Red Sox adult onsey(complete with footies). Phelps has joined an Elite group of Olympians such as Mark Spitz, Carl Lewis, Soviet gymnast Larysa Latynina and Finnish runner Paavo Nurmi for the most gold medals in Olympic history. I know of the first two Americans but I don't consider Finnish people or Commie Reds athletes(just kidding). Phelps seemed to being swimming alone out there. Kind of like the original Dream Team with Magic, MJ, and Bird as they showed the world why we're able to drive around our fat kids who can't read in huge SUVs to the Pizzza Buffet at Pizza Hut for the 3rd time this week and still win gold medals. Phelps is also one of the few athletes that "Volunteered" to be part of a genetics experiment. As part of the program he gets tested multiple times a day. He actually went out of his way to do this. How many baseball/football/track athletes would do that? If Bonds went out of his way to do that his legacy would've been that he destroyed Hank's record.

All in all, I'm impressed withPhelps. If he keeps it up, he could be referred to as one of the greatest athletes of all time. Just a sidenote. I tried hard to find a picture that didn't look like gay porn. No offense out there but not many dudes wanna see another dude in a speedo looking ripped.

Oh how I wish to be a fish and one day soon I'll be!

Had to be dealt with

I actually remember when the Sox signed Manny Ramirez. It was December of 2000. That winter the Sox actually preferred to sign Mike Mussina, as everyone knows that pitching is the key to winning trophies in baseball. When the Yanks signed Moose, the Sox had to do something. So they decided to give Manny Ramirez a HUGE contract for 8 years + 2 club options @ 20mil a year. Though I was disappointed on not getting Moose, I was very excited to get one of the best young hitters in the game...and he was Dominican! My father when hearing of the news was not as excited. He had heard the stories of Manny in Cleveland. Refusing to play for weeks because he had Pharyngitis (aka sore throat). Complaining that he couldn't play for a week because he had a sore hammy, then forgetting which hammy it was. The one thing I remember my father saying is: "he's a great hitter, but he just doesn't play the game the right way". I was like whatever. Pops is an "ol skool" baseball head. Watching Manny hit through the years was great....and overall watching Manny was entertaining as hell. The Sox were under new ownership for the '02 season. They hired a young GM named Theo Epstein who was from Boston and grew-up down the street of Fenway. In the winter after the '03 season, it came out in the media that Theo had put Manny on waivers were any team could have him....no team claimed him. That's when I thought something must be wrong w/Manny. This guy is NASTY. Why would this "kid" GM want to dump him? Odder still, why hadn't any team claimed him? When Papi started playing everyday in June of '03, David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez would become the modern day Gehrig and Ruth. They were the most lethal combo in the league. The Sox ended up winning the world series in '04 w/Manny being the WS MVP. Even w/all that, Theo tried to get rid of Manny in every off-season. As the years went by I started to realize why Theo wanted to let Manny go. Pops was right. Maybe I just got older but Manny did some things that I just didn't like. A game in Sept. in '02. Hits a grounder to first. Instead of running it out, he just turns and goes straight to the dugout....that didn't sit well w/anybody. Sept. of '03. Refuses to pinch-hit when asked to buy then manger Grady Little. He gets benched the next game in Philly. I believe it was in '05 when Tito promised him he had an off-day on the following Monday in Tampa. Before the game Tito went up to him and said "I know you were due for an off-day, but player x is sick and we need you to play". " you'll have tomorrow off". Manny response?...Sorry, can't play. I can't wait to hear for other stuff to come out that we had never heard. Tito has been covering for this guy for YEARS now. I called pops last night just to see what he thought about the Manny trade. He said one word "vindicated". When veteran players go up to the GM and say that player "x" must go and that he's polluting the culture of the team...something has to be done. In closing. Good luck in the future Manuel Aristides Ramirez. I KNOW the Sox will be fine. They "may" not win the WS this year (although I still think they have a great chance) All you have to do Manny is be Manny in your next stop. A great hitter with a bad attitude.

It's time. It's time for one of the greatest hitters the game has ever seen to move on from Boston. Tomorrow, July 31st, is the MLB trade deadline. Will Manny be in a Sox uni. on Friday night? Probably. What's it say about this guy if no team wants him even though the guy is still a great player? Whatever happened to playing out your current contract before you start complaining about not having a new contract? I'm a life long Sox fan. To be quite honest, I'm done w/Manny. Manny Ramirez is dead to me. I was watching the game last night like I do every night. For the 1st time all year the team looked dead. No energy what-so-ever. Mike Lowell makes a HUGE error on a routine grounder..Mike Lowell!! The guy never makes errors. They were swinging at 1st pitches, that's not the Sox approach at the plate. This is the most patient team in the league. They almost got no-hit at home! You have to give the Angels pitcher credit....he pitched good. The Sox historically rock John Lackey..not last night. It wasn't just coincidence...this team is distracted. I hope Theo was watching, because it was quite obvious. The Manny thing is weighing on this team. Manny is right "enough is enough". He needs to go...

Cállate la Boca!

If you're a million dollar athlete who is definetly going to be a HOFer, why would you want to leave the team that you're known for? Is there any loyalty in sports? Are athletes at home eating Spam out of their camping trailer because they don't make enough to feed themselves? I've never ran into a pro athlete at AJ Wright who's trying to figure out if he wants the fake Addidas for $13.29 or the orange/purple/Lime green striped 5XL Ecko shirt for $7.97!!!!

Which brings me to the question: Why are rich athletes pricks? This is something my primitve mind grasped when former Patriot Ty Law made the "gotta feed my family" quote. I was so upset at the comment I went out kicked a puppy, slammed an ice cream cone into a 8yr old's face, and drove too close to a Drivers ED kid on the highway while swerving. Yep. That mad. I understand that pro athletes get taxed from every state they play in because its considered an "Entertainment Tax". But if you're making $1 million, whats your take home? $750K? Ty Law makes enough money for me and my grandchildrens's grandchildren to take daily trips into Tijuana and pay for the really good hookers and coke. I also understand players should get money from sales/merchandise numbers.

A-Rod makes 250 million over 10 years or $25 million a year. The president only makes $400,000. I understand George Dubbya is a moron and doesn't deserve a dime but A-Rod makes 24,600,000 more than "The Decider". I know people can say "What? You saying you wouldn't take it if the teams were willing to shell it out for you?". Of course I would. But it shouldn't have to come to that. Sometimes its just way too much.

Like last season when the Yankees sold their souls to acquire Roger Clemons. According to CNNmoney Clemens cost the Yankees $26.1 million - his salary of $18.7 million plus a $7.5 million tax the team will pay MLB for exceeding a certain salary threshold, the so-called luxury tax. Assuming $1 million per start and Clemens pitch around 110 pitches per outing, that equates to about $9,100 per pitch thrown (or a couple months salary and/or swindling old ladies out of their fortunes with my charm/good looks!). I seriously do not understand rich people. I always thought if you own a great home, comfortable furniture, a dependable car, a trophy wife(Yes you Vanessa Bryant. You're mine!), and some money to last at least 3 family generations that you were set.

Let's get it on!

Sox and Yanks renew the greatest rivalry in sports this weekend at Fenway. It will be most exhilarating!

Etymology: Study of....er, a Whale's Vagina

News articles in the past few days have mentioned the NFL's plans to break down more film for studying "Gang Signs" by players. After the death in 2007 of Denver Broncos cornerback Darrent Williams, who was gunned down by suspected gang members, the league has decided to take a firmer stance on such acts. When Celtics player Paul Pierce appeared to flash "a menacing gesture" at an Atlanta Haks during a game, it grabbed the attention of league commisioners from the NFL and MLB. NHL spokesman Frank Brown said Tuesday his league has "a general prohibition" against anything a dirty sailor would do or say at the docks at night.

Personally I think its dumb. What constitutes a gang symbol? There are plenty of hand gestures that closley resemble sign language used by deaf/mutes and, as seen here, hillbillies alike. I think they could do more productive things. Like preventing players from "Making it rain" at strip clubs, bringing guns to night clubs, and having your $50K chain snatched off your neck at a club.

See the kid in that picture above? I wouldn't want him on the Sox any other way. I love players (especially pitchers) who are cocky. I think you kind of have to be that way to be successful. The Sox had this guy that played for them for awhile who was pretty cocky...Pedro Martinez, he did pretty well no? The NY media blew what paps said WAY OUT OF PROPORTION (big surprise I know). I don't want a closer on my team that doesn't think he's the best. The reporter asked him if he thinks he should close out the last AS game in Yankee stadium history. What did you except him to say exactly? "actually I'd rather not"? It's pretty much "common baseball knowledge" that Mariano Rivera is the best closer ever. Paps showed no disrespect to Mo. He called MO the "godfather of closers" for petes sake! Now NYY fans are all over Paps because he "disrespected" Mo. I know a lot of NYY fans who are great baseball people, who think that this was just a reporter looking for a good "headline". That being said, some NYY fans are just dumb as rocks. Every team has these fans though so its not uncommon. These NYY fans are just jealous that the Sox are on top now and they're $200mil team is in 3rd place. I was watching when Paps came in to pitch in the AS game on Tuesday night. He got booed pretty good. They also were chanting "overrated"...whatever, its par for the course when you have a Sox uni. on in Yankee stadium. These people also booed a 75 year old man when he was introduced in pregame festivities because he hit a HR v the Yanks 50 years ago...its pathetic. In closing, I want more players like Paps and Beckett on my teams. There's nothing wrong w/thinking that your the best at your position.

Have mustache, will porn.

I'm sure this'll get mixed reviews but, I love Giambi's mustache. Hate the guy, love the stache. With alot of of Sox fans rooting for the Yanks to beat the Rays last week, I found myslef rooting for Giambi. Jason Giambi is bringing back what should've already been brought'n. Very stylish, yet powerful. Maybe if the rest of the Yanks grew sacks and a stache, they might see improvement. The stache used to be the "Established Player" look in the 80's. Now its unheard of. Like Johnny Damon going grizzly, I think Giambi going Stache is a great day in sports.Usually associated with firefighters, 70's porn, sexual predators, gay bikers, and Magnum PI, the Stache is back.......so I hope.

Capt.

Hate to see you go, Love to watch you leave.

Here we go again. Brett Favre wants back on the team. Honestly, I saw it coming. After the 4,000yrd season he had and leading the Packers to a 13-3 season. I think the whole world saw it coming. I understand its better to go out in flames then to fade away but, come on Brett. Green Bay had a huge parade, the "Goodbye Brett Towel" game, "Goodbye Brett $2 Beer Night", "Farewell Favre Free French Fries Night", and, of course the unforgettable, "Brett please don't tease us and say you're leaving only to comeback because we can't deal with this heartache Bobblehead night". If you're going to retire, stay retired. Go play golf or wittle wood in St Lucia. Stay home and rewatch your highlight dvd(all 168hrs of collected video clips with optional commentary done my John Madden). Right now there deciding what to do with him if he does come back. Aaron Rodgers has stepped up and started to take over the spotlight. He's been working with the 1st team WRs trying to establish timing. Favre has told the Packers front office to either play him or trade him. I think Brett is a little upset that Green Bay didn't sign Randy Moss. Imagine how much of a difference to that Moss would've been. I hate to see Brett comeback AGAIN after all the teary goodbyes. Its Bush League of him to demand to be put back into the roster after the Packers drafted two QBs and have Rodgers calling the shots. If I'm Aaron Rodgers, I'd leave my charity golf event, head down to Brett's place, and Tanya Harding his legs.

Favre would break a plethora of hearts if he left Breen Bay to another city. Kind of like Joe Montana leaving San Fran for KC. Just kind of cheapened his career. He still posted solid numbers in his last year(3282yds passing, 16TDs), but he should've stopped at San Fran.If the Packers do decided to let Brett become a free agent, what team would I like to see him play for? I'd say:

Atlanta Falcons: Vick screwed that whole franchise over, Joey Harrington has been awful to watch, and no RB has proven to be a consistent threat. This team could use someone like Brett to bring the fans back to games.

Miami Dolphins: Bill Parcells with Brett Favre would make many AFC teams cringe with fear. Since the Tuna has cleaned house, there should be plenty of room for salary. Miami has nobody at the QB helm. I guess we could watch Josh McCown this season. But then again I'd rather watch a TV series on Fox starring a Tijuana hooker getting chinese finger cuffed by a new pair of well endowed burros a week.

Minnesota Vikings: Tavaris Jackson had sparks of talent, Brooks Bollinger doesn't have the shoulders to carry the team, and John David Booty MIGHT be a bust. With Favre on that team, he could actually make them serious threat. A powerhouse running game from AP and a solid Team Defense could make the two Green Bay vs Minnesota games very intersting. You'd see the Cheese Headed Packers fans and Helga Hat wearing Vikes pillaging and plundering the home teams city, turning over police vehicles, and burning any home with the another teams flag billowing on the front lawn that crisp sunday morning. Ah, sports rivalries.












Was Brett wrong for retiring? Of course.
Should Brett stay retired? Yes.
Should Brett go to another team? No.
Would It be interesting if he did? Very.
What should Bret do during his retirement? Porn.

Hate to see you go,
Love to watch you leave.

Capt.

Bring Bonds To The Bean

Before I start to write about MY BOY Barry Bonds, let me first say that I only want him in Boston if Big Papi is out of the year...

That being said, I want a show of hands of the people that hate Barry Bonds... Good... Now explain to me why you hate Barry Bonds... Is it because he broke the home run record? Is it because he juiced up in a time where most power hitters and pitchers were juicing and with that he broke the home run record? Is it because as a human, he's a P.O.S. because he's racist against white folks and he's a bad husband? Or maybe it's because he treated the media bad and didn't give them the time or respect the media feels they deserve? Maybe it's because he never really connected with any fans other than the Giants fans so people view him as an arrogant S.O.B.? Wait!!! I know... It's because some of his teammates didn't like him...

If any of those reasons connect with you, please raise your hand... Now ask yourself 2 questions. 1. Do I feel the same way about Barry Bonds as I do about Rodney Harrison? 2. Am I asking BB over my house to meet my child(ren), mother, wife, start a church, head the PTA, or even walk my dog? No... You're asking him to hit the cover off the ball to right. He can do that. I don't want to hear about he cheated because BB cheated too and we love him as our coach for the Pats. So didn't Rodney by taking HGH and maybe more but if he's killing WR trying to cross over the middle, we will turn the other cheek... If Barry Bonds comes to fenway and starts knocking the ball out of the park, Boston fans will love him and cheer him and want to re-sign him for next year. We cannot blame one person for a whole era especially when this person didn't start juicing until he saw people that were not as good as he was getting all the awards and acknowledgement. We also know now that pitchers used steriods as well. Even the Clemens used Roids and he's considered arguably the greatest pitcher of all time.

All I'm saying is, if you want to win another world series and Ortiz isn't going to be part of your team and you can bring someone that can fill in his spot as a hitter like, oh I don't know, the greatest hitter of all time. You do it. It's a no brianer. People in this area didn't like Moss or Dillon before they got here and ask them now what they think of them... Same thing will happen with Bonds...

The AntiChrist

If there is a god, this won't happen. I don't want either of the guys in that picture anywhere near Fenway Park. Can you imagine Barry Bonds in a Sox uniform?? Just writing it makes me feel like this http://www.ghostofthefuture.com/images/LardAss/lardass-05.jpg. I don't think I could watch the Sox anymore....this guy really is the antichrist. Peter Gammons reported that the Sox have had internal discussions about Bonds just in case Papi's wrist doesn't respond well. He would tear that clubhouse apart...why would the Sox even consider this? I don't think I've hated an athlete more in my lifetime than this piece of crap. I've hated him for years before all the steroid stuff. I highly recommend reading the book "Game of Shadows". I actually read the entire book on a flight form Boston to Italy in '06. The information in that book is just incredible. The two guys who wrote the book, investigated Bonds for two years. They were actually subpoenaed by the federal gov't because in the book they had Bond's grand jury testimony where he admitted to using steroids. The reporters were told that if they didn't disclose how they got this info. they would go to prison for 2 years. They refused. Later the person who leaked the info. came forward..he's currently in prison. The book paints a picture of Bonds being a drug-addict, racist & womanizer. He started doing steroids after being jealous of Sosa & McGwire after the '98 season.(now, don't even get me started on MLB as a whole during the "steroid era"..they pretty much just let it happen.) Let's focus on Bonds because I despise him so. Bonds, as we know, went on to break the greatest record in the history of American sports....while on steroids. I do not want this POS of a man on my baseball team! I plead to you Mr.. Theo Epstein...no Bonds for me please thank you.

"You're the best, AROUND"

I'm a self proclaimed movie expert. I also have a fair knowledge off all sports of all kinds. Mix the two together and you have something better than a Pomegranate Mojito on a warm summer morning. Debates have been flying for years as to what belongs in the "Top 10 Sports Movies of All Time" list. First off: Whats condiered a sport? If martial arts is considered a sport, wouldn't the Karate Kid be placed in there? If card playing is considered a sport, wouldn't movies such as "Rounders" or "The Cincinnati Kid" be in there? What about billiards? If thats considered a sport wouldn't "The Hustler" or "The Color of Money" be in there? Although great movies, I'm going to stick with Hockey, Baseball, Football, and Basketball for my Top Ten. I know some of you are saying "Hey Capt, didn't you wrestle? Why aren't considering that as a top sport?". Simple. There has been only one real movie about wrestling, "Vison Quest". A 1985 movie starring a young Linda Florentino and Matthew Modine. Unfortunately I cannot consider this movie seeing how I can't see matthew Modine capable of beating anyone until 1987's "Full Metal Jacket". So, here is my "Top Ten Sports Flicks":

10) Caddy Shack(1980) Greatest golf movie ever(and if you say the sequel is better, go ahead and swallow a gallon of lither fluid and a waterproof match dirtbag)

9) The Bad News Bears (1976) I personally like this movie because the kids here are portayed as a bunch of bad asses who do things that weren't acceptable back in the 70's, but are commonplace now. Little bastards.

8) Rudy (1993) This movie proves that even Hobbit Samwise Gamgee can play football at Notre Dame. Giving hope to all undersized, unathletic, Sean Astins to populate the current Notre Dame team.

7) Remember the Titans(2000) We all know Denzel never does a serious movie. Which is why I was surprised he didn't smile this whole film. This is a great movie showing the race wars from back in the day. Every high school football player that went to "(2-3) A-Days(now illegal due to soft kids and even softer parents)" felt the pain of those players while watching them get run down.

6) Hoop Dreams(1994) A glimpse into how hard it really is to become a great high school baller and getting a shot at the college level. Obstacles such as parents with drug addiction, family poverty, and inner-city violence, and physical injuries try and slow their dreams of making to the next level.

5) Hoosiers(1986) "I'll make it".

4) The Natural(1984) Future superstar baseball player disappears only to reappear many moons later to become a local legend. Who didn't want a wooden bat with "Wonder Boy" on it?

3) Bull Durham(1988) I just like this movie because of the bar scene with Tim Robbins looking like a moron.

2) Raging Bull(1980) Deniro training with Jake Lamotta for this film shows dedication. Ups and downs of a boxer who took out his personal problems out in the ring on his opponents.

1) Rocky1,2,3,4(I consider 1-4 as one movie) If you have never seen this movie then you're a Communist-Nazi and need to be shot repeatedly with roman candles until you are patriotic enough to live here. I think every immigrant seeking to be a citizen here needs to WATCH this.

Movies that were close:

-White Men Can't Jump: Wes and Woody make this comedy a great watch. The banter back and forth and their quest for street court superiority is entertaining.

-Field Of Dreams: YES, its a great movie, YES, it has great acting from James Earl Jones(expected), YES, we all wish we could make a cornfield into a ball park and watch the old time greats(minus blacks, hispanics, asians, jews, arabs, and eskimos) play ball in retro uni's. Fact is......there's no season or game or title or championship to be won. Just Costner going bankrupt and clearing out his daddy issues watching ghost.

-Jerry Maguire: Great job by Cuba in this one but its too much of a chick flick to be considered a sports movie.

I hope you peeps can enjoy this. Sorry Johnny 5, I couldn't include "To Wong Foo" in this list. Now put away that skin suit you're tailoring, stop prancing in front of a mirror with your junk tucked back while playing to Q Lazzarus's "Goodbye Horses", and stop playing with Precious.

Capt.

Current Sox Play

The Sox have been quite inconsistant as of late. Kind of how a month ago you would see the large majority of the Tampa Stands filled with members of Red Sox Nation. Now that Da Rays have proved to be a team worthy of note they has discovred that there is actually a team in Tampa-St Petes area to root for. I do like the way this divisional match up is taking on the face of a rivalry. The Yankees are old and they suck. So having two young teams fight over first in the AL east is great. JD Drew should be on the All Star Team. This guy has now shown why he was brought here. It started in the play offs and has carried into this season. Dustin plays huge and will also be an all star. Manny needs Ortiz back. He needs that protection in the line up. It also seems to me that Manny hits better when he is in left field. This DH thing is not for him yet. It is crazy to think that the Sox have 15 guys on the active roster all under the age of 28 and of 15 how many are pitchers----- Dice K, Beckett, Lester, Masterson, ManNy D, Pap, Pssibly Hanson- then you throw Clay in the mix--- Good times

Fist of Legend

Like in many sports, I always wished I could go back in time. And grab teams and athletes of the past and see how they do in the present. Imagine Babe Ruth playing with today's Yankees, or Jim brown playing with today's Cleveland Browns, or even(as discussed before) Bird's Celtics vs KG's Celtics. To keep things simpler, how about boxing greats like Ali, Frasier, Tyson, Graziano, and of course Joe Louis. I know this is a recurring theme but, I would really like to see these fighters in their prime take each other on. These were the guys that made boxing such a great sport. I used to love watching these PPV matches. Now, i'd rather screw a wooden box filled with broken glass and lemon juice. Just imagine how much money people would put down to watch a Tyson/Ali, Graziano/Frasier macthup. I'm talking at LEAST $1000/PPV. These are prime fights. Not the ones we see now with no names and european hacks trash talking like its the WWE. These guys actually had a storyline in their background. Graziano was a criminal trying to use boxing as a way to make money. Ali was a model Muslim who refused the Vietnam Draft. Tyson was regarded as one of the best of all times and the youngest to be crowned champion.

With UFC becoming the mainstream sport of fighters and boxing becoming obsolete, it'd be great to have a time machine.

the Capt.

"You know how I be"

What happened to this happy couple? Aside from Kobe dropping dime on Shaq's philanthropic use of his poppycock, and the back and forth remarks about one another, and the fact that Shaq refers to Kobe as "You know who" and Phil Jackson as "Benedict Arnold", and the fact that Kobe's inability to stay faithful(as seen above) to his pornstar like wife(also his high school sweetheart) by banging HOTEL MAIDS, shouldn't be enough reasons for the two to not get along. Shaq did wrote a song for Kobe.....actually, about Kobe. The song, titled "Kobe, tell me how my a** tastes" is an ode to times when things were friendlier between the two. When Shaq says "You know how I be, last week Kobe couldn't do without me." he's trying to tell us how lonely Kobe has been without his big brother by his side. Almost to say that "without" Shaq, Kobe just couldn't play up to his potential without his wingman to kep his spirits up high. I mean, an artist like Shaq who has accrued six albums, two platinum, two gold(and is very humble about his accolades) would never be serious when he says "I'm a horse, Kobe ratted me out, that's why I'm getting divorced". Its obvious that Shaq is a human and in no way is implying that he has the dong of a "horse". I mean, everyone knows scientifically thats inaccurate(1ft of height=1inch on length....unless of course you only have 2 letters in your first name.........its science). The world also knows that there are a million Shaqs and only one Shaquille, hence "He said Shaq gave a B****a mil, I don't do that cause my names Shaquille". I know alot of Shaqs and very few Shaquilles. Why would Shaquille give any "B****" a million dollars? He can't afford that in the first place. Nobody is that rich, am I right? The same man that "I love 'em, I don't leave 'em. I got a vasectomy, now I can't breed 'em." has made huge sacrifices. To get a vasectomy is one of the most generous ways to show a woman how much you mean to her. Because doctors have shown that procedures like that are irreversible. All in all, I don't think Shaq meant any of the lyrics that he so dashingly displayed on stage about Kobe and his inability to win a championship without him. Shaq is in the position now where he could talk smack if he wanted to. His Suns played great this year with Shaq playing for a full "injury free" season. I'm sure while Kobe's Lakers continued into the playoffs, Shaq was cheering on his former team all the way to Game 6 of the Finals while sitting on his couch at home. I do say "Kobe's Lakers" because at one time it was, according to Shaq, his team. Shaq had so much sway on that team, he even said Kobe would be a free agent by season's end. Shaq even gave Kobe the option of leaving the team if he didn't like the way he ran it.

I just think nothing was meant by the freestyling of Shaq and that he is no longer bitter about the feud or about Kobe telling the world about Shaq cheating. Shaquille phrased it perfectly when he asked his one time friend "Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes."

The Capt.

Championships

Are the Pats done? As they have aged over the years. They have only gotten better at the wide out position and at running back. There offensive line showed wear and tear in the SB. Terrific Tom was lets say still terrific. I am worried.....

Cinco

Sox recruit from a galaxy far, far, away....

After losing Curt Schilling to surgery, the Boston Red Sox resort to traveling to the Wookie planet of Kashyyyk in order to fill the void. Just 12 parsecs from Earth, this Mid Rim planet is the principal world of the Kashyyyk system. This star system that also contains the homeworld of the reptilian Trandoshans, which has been a heavy recruiting planet since the drafting of Derek Jeter back in 1992. The Sox chose the wookies for their fierce throwing arms, short tempered attitude, and their defiance to all things Empire. After a few scouting trips to several villages, Theo Epstein spotted the famed Wookie warrior Chewbacca throwing 200lbs spears at Banthas from a distance of 300ft. That was all Theo needed to see to sign the 7'6'', 425lbs left to a 30yr $65million deal. When asked as to why he chose a 30yr deal instead of a 3yr deal Theo replied "Well. The average lifespan of a wookie in human years is 347yrs. Give a take a rebellion here or there". When asked how he feels about playing for the famed Boston Red Sox Chewie stated "Rrrooowwrr. Ggggrggggyylll. Hhrrggrrllllerrrr!!!". "You said it Chewie" commented agent Han Solo. When reporters asked about the incedent in which the wookie once pulled the throwing arm off of Charleston River Dogs' Chance Baker during an inter-galactic exhibition, the wookie just chuckled.

"Laugh it up fuzzball"

Capt.

The Banwagon Fans....

In my opinion these people are giving us "hardcore" Sox fans a bad name. Now when people see you wearing a Sox hat you get that "of course you’re a Sox fan" look. Recently the "4 letter website/network" had a story about which teams had the most bandwagon fans. Research showed that the Sox had the most bandwagoners. I was disgusted. I was disgusted because I actually think it's true! Here's a classic example....true story. I'm not sure of the date. I want to say it was Thursday October 21, 2004. The night before the Sox had just beaten the NYY in game 7 after being down 0-3 in the series. I was at work, in the men’s room washing my hands when a fellow co-worker walked in. Here's our conversation:

Loser: How 'bout 'dem Sox huh?

Me: I know huh? We finally get a chance at the WS. I hope the Sox can come through and finally exercise some demons.

Loser: Oh I don't even care about the WS. All I cared about was beating those F'ing NYY. I hate them more than anything.

Me: How could you not care about the WS?? This is what it’s all about. Don't you want those "1918" chants to go away? If we don't win the WS, the win against the Yanks means nothing.

Loser: Nah. As long as we beat the Yanks, I'm good.

Now at this point, I'm fuming. You guys ever see that Jim Carrey movie "Cable Guy"? That scene in the bathroom where he's beating up Cary Elwes? Well let me just say........that did not happen here. I wanted to though.
Anyways, that’s a clear definition of a bandwagon fan. To this day, whenever I see that guy at work wearing his Sox paraphernalia I think of the conversation we had on October 21, 2004...and then I throw-up in my mouth a bit.

Shill the Pill

Lets face it.... The Sox got all they needed out of Curt Shilling. He resigned a pretty lucrative deal probably knowing he would never be the same again. The man needs to hang it up and let the city of Boston continue to dominate and bring up studs like Clay, Lester, Masterson and others. Shilling is all about Shilling. He dosnt fit the mold of the Sox anymore. Theo needs to step in here and release him. Unless of course he is willing to go to the bull pen. Anyway I was not a big fan when he first came to Titletown and I an still not today. Shill thanks for what you gave us but retire your all washed up.

Schilling....

I guess all good things have to come to an end. Curt Schilling announced today that he will need season ending surgery on his arm. He also indicated that his career may be over. I'll never forget when the Sox signed him on thanksgiving '03. I was crazy excited. All I could think about was having Pedro & Schill 1-2 in the rotation. No other team could claim they had two aces in their starting rotation. His ’04 season in the bean was great. He won 21 games and finished 2nd in the CY Young vote. We all know what he did in the playoffs that year. The question now is if he is done, is Curt Schilling a Hall of Famer? My personal feeling is that I think he will get in. Not on the first ballot, but definitely eventually he will. He was a great big game pitcher. What he did in the post season through out his career should be enough to get him in the hall. I have to admit I wasn’t always the biggest Schilling fan. If he played for any other team, I would probably hate him. He has an opinion on everything…even if you’re not asking for it. He also can be very arrogant. The Schilling on the field you have to respect however. So, if this is the end Mr. Schilling, I want to thank you for helping all us Sox fans get that monkey off our backs in ’04. The #38 jersey probably won’t be worn again for awhile. Not sure if it will get retired, but it will definitely be out of commission for awhile like: Rice’s #14, Nomar’s #5, Pedro’s #45 (which by the way will most certainly get retired, but that’s another blog for another day).

Haters....

"If they hate then let 'em hate and watch the money pile up" In a NE sports fan case its probably more like "watch the championships pile up". I mean good god. The Sox are the defending champs, and the best team this season. The Pats went to the SB (i know, i know) after finishing the regular season undefeated. The Celts just beat the Lakers in the Finals. Its never been like this around here. The haters, of course, will always be there. They claim there were no Sox fans before 2004. No Pats fans before 2001. No C's fans after the Bird era. People are just jealous in my opinion. Honestly, I don't blame them for hating. New England is the center of the sports world..maybe even the universe.