1) The Bengals will always have an excuse as to why they suck. Why are they still around? I'm sure some other city would love to have a NFL team. Doesn't Miami need one?
2) The Patriots will always have a televised game where sports announcers mention "Spy Gate" at least 4 times before halftime. Especially if they're playing the Jets.
3) Tom Brady will always be on the "Probable" for his shoulder so don't make a huge story. I've must've seen "Brady says he's okay to start the season opener". Well of course he's playing in the season opener! I'm sure his "injuries" aren't slowing him down from piledriving Giselle Bundchen. Don't make this a big deal. I know he's fine, all of New England knows he's fine. Stop with the Breaking News cause its dumb. He's going to play.
4) Fox NFL Sunday needs to change their "Robots playing 1 on 1 football" segment before commercial. Its dumb. Robots don't play football. If they did, we'd have alot more violent games where a delay of game call would result in the football filled with C4 to explode. And why are these robots doing laps on screen in an attempt to "Warm Up"? Why are these things shaking out their "Hammies"? If you wanna us to be excited that there's a commercial break and want us to be entertained for 5 seconds before and after the commercial, just show us some hot cheerleader bouncing around. I'd rather watch that than some frickin' robot pointing menacingly fro the screen as he paces back and forth across my TV all the while blocking my shot of the cheerleaders. Sex sells. Robots don't.5) Mike Shanahan hates fantasy football GMs. Just frickin' tell me who's starting Sunday!! Words like "Questionable", "Doubtful", "Probable", and "Not Available" are used to describe women I meet at bars. While "PUP" describes my ability to perform in bed with these women.
#5 brings me to my main topic of "Why I should be a NFL GM". I can tell you if Jay Cutler will have a great year(3600yrds, 24TDs, 21INTs) or if Pacman Jones(with members of his entourage) will "Make it rain" on offenses. Why can't GMs see that guys like Warrick Dunn are done? Or Matt Leinart will never be the Cardinals QB as long as Warner is there? I don't care if you spent a #1 pick on the kid. Its all about winning. You can spend the season vomiting on the sidelines watching Leinart or you can produce numbers and possibly wins with Born Again Kurt(the poor guy has a Marine for a wife. Good for you Kurt). Sometimes teams stick with players that would've been beaten by the whole team using a garden hose filled with cement. Rex Grossman. Now after wiping the vomit from your mouth after reading that name, I'm sure many of you remember his rise and fall two season ago. His teammates and the Chicago media went from calling him "Sexy Rexy" to "Oh, him". Watching him mess up that Bears offensive was brutal. I had him as a fantasy QB and I was physically ill on Monday and Tuesday mornings. It got to the point where I dropped him off my roster and wanted him to break a leg. I know its not right to wish harm on any athlete other than Derek Jeter(prancing around with that "I'm just here having fun so who cares I just grounded into a double play grin).
Speaking of Rex. Quick story. I had a dream one night where I was in a glass booth eating pizza with a six pack of Shipyard's Pumpkinhead Ale(I know. Great dream thus far) siting in a comfy leather chair complete with an ottoman. For some reason, I was in Chicago on the side of street outside Soldier Field. People were oblivious to me sitting in this glass box in my Sponge Bob PJs drinking beer at noon. When all of a sudden i see Rex Grossman walking across the street. SOme young kid asked him to autograph a football. After Rexy signed it, he told the kid to go long. his little kid ran down the street with his arms in the air ready for a catch. Rex cocked his arm back to throw it when he spontaneously combust into a ball of flames. There he was, covered in flames. People walked past him without a second glance. As if they couldn't hear his screams of pain. I stood up in my box, careful not to spill my beer, and yelled for someone to help him or put him out of his misery. Thats when Lovie Smith appeared next to me outisde of my glass box. I yelled at Lovie to stop this madness and to take poor Rexy out. "He's dying out there!" I yelled. "Why aren't you doing anything?" I screamed at Lovie who just stood there, calm, watching this disaster. Then, without even looking at me, as if talking to someone else, Lovie says "Rex is our quarterback". I woke up dripped in sweat and ran to my computer and dropped Rex forever from any FFL team I had him on.
Nowdays I believe Lovie Smith pretends Rex was a bad choice as QB and often tries to trick the media into thinking of Rex as a great humanitarian. "Did you know Rex once helped Robbie Gould set up his new HDTV? Or what about the time Cedric Benson had cramped up his right thigh and rex rubbed fish oil on ith to help Cedric make a speedy recovery? I don't know what the problem is but Rex hosts the biggest lockeroom Halloween costume party that I've ever seen. Boobing for apples the morning before a big game? Totally helps ease the tension".
Honestly, between the new Madden, FFL, and Sportscenter, I think I can do a great job running any team. Except for the Bengals. They're an abortion.
Capt.
aka Treinta y tres
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