Theo gets "Nuke"

Fresh off his stunning minor league start with the Durham Bulls, Ebby Calvin "Nuke" Laloosh has been picked up by the Red Sox. The 6' 4'' pitcher has been clocked at over 100mph on many occassions and has been known to strike players out left and right. Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein watched Laloosh pitch two complete games in one day while with the Bulls. "He's got amazing stuff. We watched him on the dance floor and he's got some great moves". Laloosh is wildly known for banging chciks in the clubhouse in between innings, wearing woman's under garments, and dancing with more than one woman on the dance floor at a time. When asked how he plans on keeping up with such a high flying lifestyle, he proceeded to say:

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: The other day Crash called a woman's pu... pussy... um, well, you know how the hair is kind of in a V-shape?

Capt: Um. Yes, I do.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Well, he called it the Bermuda Triangle. He said that a man could get lost in there and never be heard from again.

Boston players are already looking to start the season with a cannon like Laloosh on the mound. "Guy like that, who knows whats going to happen man" says David Ortiz. Dustin Pedroia explains why a guy like Laloosh will only improve the ball club "He's intense and exciting. I watched him throw a fastball through a concrete wall". The one Sox player hesitant about the new guy is Jonathan Papelbon "At first, I just didn't like him. I didn't like the way he hogged the attention on the dance floor. We went to the Avalon one night and "Apache" from the Sugar Hill Gang came on. We had a dance off in front of a large crowd. After seeing his performance, it became clear to me just how cool the guy really is".

With all the pressure of being a big time player in such a intense city like Boston, "Nuke" kept it cool: "A good friend of mine used to say, "This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." Think about that for a while".

Thanks Nuke. Think I will.

Back in Blonde

When it comes to influential martial artists, only a few names come to mind: Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, and Jean Claude Van Damme. There are is, of course, the most influential karate expert of them all. 6 time World Karate Champion, 4 time Olympic Gold medalist, UCLA Shotokan Karate Team Coach, and 4 time All Valley Karate Tournament Champion, Daniel LaRusso. We all know the humble origins of Daniel Larusso from a skinny kid from Jersey who moves out to Reseda, California to start a new life with his mother. Today's generation of teens know Larusso from his multi-million dollar movies such as "Funk'n Master 1,2,3,4,5,6,9", "RoundHouse"(Co-starring Patrick Swayze), "Golden Child 2: Golden Showering", the Tae Bo inspired workout dvd "Body Karate", and the kid classic "Fists of Fun". Larusso has been etched in American Stardom alongside great athletes like Jordan, Tiger, and David Wells. But to every story, is the other point of view. Alot of people want to know what happened to Daniel's childhood nemesis. The one person that transformed Larusso into an international icon. The one man alone that made Daniel Larusso into a household name. Johnny Lawrence.After a few months of searching, I finally caught up to the 43yr old Lawrence who currently resides in Yorba Linda, California where he is the proud owner of his pizza joint called "Beatdown Pizza Parlor". Which is famous for its signature 36" slices of "Sweep the Roni" and Johnny's creation the "Larusso Lovers" which is bread shaped like a vagina filled with roast beef. We took up seats by the window near the front door. It had a great view of the Karate Dojo across the street where Johnny's two sons(Kreese 16 and Dutch 18) and daughter(Ali 14), each hold blackbelts in June Keet Do.


Capt: Mr Lawrence sir, greet to finally meet you!
Johnny Lawrence: Pleasure is all mine

Capt: I'm sure you've been asked this a million times but, what happened to that promising young All Valley Karate Tournament champion from 1983?

Johnny Lawrence: (Deep sigh) Thats a chapter in my life thats been closed for a long time. And thats the way I'd like to keep it.

Capt: Do you still hangout with Dutch, Bobby B, Jimmy, Jerry(the only black one) and Tommy? You know, you're old Cobra Kai crew.

JL: Here and there. Bobby served an 8 yr sentence for raping a girl at a college party back in 89'. He now owns a funeral home in Compton called "Put Em in a Body Bag" Funeral Home. Jimmy and Tommy run a Daddy daycare in Malibu called "Cobra Kai Kidz". Its for parents who want their kids to learn karate at an early age, and not become queers later in life. Their motto is "Strike Hard. Strike Fast. Strike Early".

Capt: And Dutch, you're right hand mand? The dojo pitbull? What's he up to?

JL: Dutch is a high school gym teacher in Reseda. He's fallen on rough times with allegations of having sex with a student. Apparently he was sending here a bunch of texts confessing his love for her. Which is too bad cause he won "Coach of the Year" for the football season.

Capt: What about John Kreese, your old sensei?

JL: He's currently working at my kids' school as a guidance counselor.

Capt: Have you considered teaching Karate at your kids' dojo?

JL: I've been offered the job before but, I can't do it. I've already been contacted by child Services for being too hard on my kids. We show no mercy in my house.

Capt: Well, it just seemed like you showed so much proise and talent to have jumped off the face of the earth after just one loss. I mean-

JL: (Looking highly agitated) LOOK! I have nothing to say about part of my life ok?! I'm tired of people constantly badgering me about my past. Its been over with for 25yrs now. I have 3 kids to look after now. I'm not that teenage bully who used to bang hot teachers in the teachers lounge, or toke up in the bathroom during costume dances, or wears a badass headband all day long! I'm not that kid anymore.

Capt: Look, Johhny, I'm sorry. I didn't meant to-

JL: To what? Piss me off?! I don't need this S***! I'm Johnny F***ing Lawrence!!

Capt: Let me ask you something... We both know you can stomp me, so why rub it in?

JL: [shrugs] Maybe I like to.

Capt: Ever stop to ask yourself if maybe HE [obviously referring to Kreese] might be wrong? At least, about some things? [Johnny has to turn away and count to ten to keep himself from exploding]

This interview has taught me alot. It made me realize just how much we need another Cobra Kai crew. And, how some badasses, remain badasses.

Yes, thats a post

Been awhile but I wrote a blog. Enjoy. maybe more to come

Patriots Cheerleaders are Hot in Bikinis
The New England Patriots are still winners

Ignorance, is Bliss

Baseball has once again been sullied by another steroid story with A-Rod coming out and admitting his "Mistake". This prick has the balls to push blame on his cousin's ignorance and his for not knowing what steroids or "Performance enhancing drugs" were. Like he didn't know it's a cheater's way of improving skills. I don't care how "Ignorant" you and your dumbass cousin were, neither one of you "knew how to administer it properly", yet you decided to do it anyways for the next two years. Why can't MLB make a mandatory weekly drug testing policy? Why not test every player more frequently? Why is the Player's Association so adamant about not testing often? I now assume every MLB player(aside from those in Boston) are on steroids or "Boli/Bole". Honestly, CLEAN HOUSE!!!! Test every player every week. Convicts on parole get tested every week. Why can't MLB players? This sport needs a clean slate. Is that too much to ask for "America's Pastime"? A-Rod was labeled as the "Best All Around Player of All Time". Now, he shattered any hopes he had of becoming a Hall of Famer. Regardless of how honest he's been, if he gets allowed in, they should let Pete Rose in. If it took Jim Rice so long to get in, they should make it harder for these Roid heads to gain entry. Players today make old timers like Mays, Aaron, Mantle, Williams, and Carl Yastrzemski look even more impressive for not taking performance enhancers. Unless booze and cigarettes were performance enhancers back then.
"Baseball's future? Bigger and bigger, better and better! No question about it, it's the greatest game there is!" -Ted Williams Red Sox HOF.

Brady recovers after $6 Million Surgery

After watching the pathetic display of football on Sunday, New England Patriots QB Tom Brady decided to take matters into his own hands. After his Sunday morning visit to the office of world famous Dr Rudy Wells P.H.D, MD, Brady considered speeding the operation on his left knee injury. After consulting with Patriots team doctors, Dr. Bertram "Za Za"Zarins and Dr. Thomas J."Shakey Jake" Gill, Brady underwent a risky operation which will turn 45% of his body into a cyborg. Before the procedure, Dr Wells briefed his team of world class doctors, voo doo shamans, witch doctors, and his former high school principle "Tom Brady, quarterback. A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man. Tom Brady will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster". After three days of surgery with only 36 hours of rest(watching reruns of Entourage in between sessions) the miracle was a complete success. His right arm, both legs and the left eye are replaced by "bionic" implants that enhance his strength, speed and vision far above human norms. He can run at speeds of 60 miles per hour (100 km/h), and his eye has a 20:1 zoom lens and infrared capabilities. Attached to his throwing arm is a shoulder rig capable of throwing a football from hard enough to go through a concrete wall and accurate enough to take down a 10point buck at 400 yards. He's ready for playoffs!

I think he'll do just fine.

Capt

Bumble Bee Tuna

Working nights I tend to sleep way pas the afternoons. During the NFL Season I almost never sleep in late on Sundays. Mostly because I know by the time I wake up, the Patriots are usually speedbaggin some team by halftime. Normally when I wake up and see the Pats losing I always feel safe knowing Tom Brady will save the day. Tom will make everything alright. That was until I woke up in a cold sweat realizing that Tom, is not playing today. After sharting a bit in my pajamas, sprinted to my living room and saw what must've been a nightmare. The Patriots were losing. Not only losing, but getting a**pounded by the Dolphins. The same team that after beating the Ravens for their only win last year, were happier than pigs in s***!

So, after kicking a puppy and pushing an old lady into traffic, I came to the realization that maybe Moose isn't the QB we need. Maybe the Pats should've sent Moss down the field for bombs instead of averaging 6.3yrds/catch. Maybe(Big Maybe) this loss was a good thing. We all know what happened last year when they didn't lose a game. The media pounced all over them about the perfect season. Constantly harrassing the Patriots and putting alot of pressure on them eventually wearing them down. So I ask you this: "Is this loss a good thing?".

World's smallest violin playing just for you

Like most kids, I grew up wishing to be like Jim Brown, or Jerrry Rice, or Bo Jackson. Just hoping to have the chance to become an NFL star. Imagine packed stadiums of fans wearing your jersey and hoping that you will take them team into the playoffs and into the Superbowl. Sponsorships, multi-million dollar contracts, and making it rain on all the strippers you want. Who wouldn't want such a life?

Vince Young.

That douchebag decides he wants to hang it up because his fans boo'd him for getting hurt after week one. Well boo f***in' hoo!!! Put down the tissue and get back out there. What is wrong with young athletes today? Fighting at nightclubs, fighting bouncers at stripclubs, slamming a stripper's face onto stages with $81,020 of your won cash and two of your Breitling watches, having family memebers contact the local police because they think you're suicidal, getting arrested for providing alcohol to minors, allegedly assaulting a worker/valet, spitting on woman for allegedly stealing your walet, letting drug dealer friends borrow your cellphone to make drug deals, and overall just being morons. Its as if they don't appreciate the oppurtunity they have to be a pro athlete. You hear about athletes from slums of big cities that go on to do well. But mostly you hear about the one sfrom the slums that bring it with them to the pros. I'm tired of hearing the old "You can take the athlete out of the ghetto, but you can't take the gheto out of the athlete" saying. And theres not really alot of thugs in pro sports that act like idots. Just that 10% that make national headlines.

All in all, if Young wants out, let him go.