Theo gets "Nuke"

Fresh off his stunning minor league start with the Durham Bulls, Ebby Calvin "Nuke" Laloosh has been picked up by the Red Sox. The 6' 4'' pitcher has been clocked at over 100mph on many occassions and has been known to strike players out left and right. Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein watched Laloosh pitch two complete games in one day while with the Bulls. "He's got amazing stuff. We watched him on the dance floor and he's got some great moves". Laloosh is wildly known for banging chciks in the clubhouse in between innings, wearing woman's under garments, and dancing with more than one woman on the dance floor at a time. When asked how he plans on keeping up with such a high flying lifestyle, he proceeded to say:

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: The other day Crash called a woman's pu... pussy... um, well, you know how the hair is kind of in a V-shape?

Capt: Um. Yes, I do.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Well, he called it the Bermuda Triangle. He said that a man could get lost in there and never be heard from again.

Boston players are already looking to start the season with a cannon like Laloosh on the mound. "Guy like that, who knows whats going to happen man" says David Ortiz. Dustin Pedroia explains why a guy like Laloosh will only improve the ball club "He's intense and exciting. I watched him throw a fastball through a concrete wall". The one Sox player hesitant about the new guy is Jonathan Papelbon "At first, I just didn't like him. I didn't like the way he hogged the attention on the dance floor. We went to the Avalon one night and "Apache" from the Sugar Hill Gang came on. We had a dance off in front of a large crowd. After seeing his performance, it became clear to me just how cool the guy really is".

With all the pressure of being a big time player in such a intense city like Boston, "Nuke" kept it cool: "A good friend of mine used to say, "This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." Think about that for a while".

Thanks Nuke. Think I will.