Theo gets "Nuke"

Fresh off his stunning minor league start with the Durham Bulls, Ebby Calvin "Nuke" Laloosh has been picked up by the Red Sox. The 6' 4'' pitcher has been clocked at over 100mph on many occassions and has been known to strike players out left and right. Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein watched Laloosh pitch two complete games in one day while with the Bulls. "He's got amazing stuff. We watched him on the dance floor and he's got some great moves". Laloosh is wildly known for banging chciks in the clubhouse in between innings, wearing woman's under garments, and dancing with more than one woman on the dance floor at a time. When asked how he plans on keeping up with such a high flying lifestyle, he proceeded to say:

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: The other day Crash called a woman's pu... pussy... um, well, you know how the hair is kind of in a V-shape?

Capt: Um. Yes, I do.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Well, he called it the Bermuda Triangle. He said that a man could get lost in there and never be heard from again.

Boston players are already looking to start the season with a cannon like Laloosh on the mound. "Guy like that, who knows whats going to happen man" says David Ortiz. Dustin Pedroia explains why a guy like Laloosh will only improve the ball club "He's intense and exciting. I watched him throw a fastball through a concrete wall". The one Sox player hesitant about the new guy is Jonathan Papelbon "At first, I just didn't like him. I didn't like the way he hogged the attention on the dance floor. We went to the Avalon one night and "Apache" from the Sugar Hill Gang came on. We had a dance off in front of a large crowd. After seeing his performance, it became clear to me just how cool the guy really is".

With all the pressure of being a big time player in such a intense city like Boston, "Nuke" kept it cool: "A good friend of mine used to say, "This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." Think about that for a while".

Thanks Nuke. Think I will.

Back in Blonde

When it comes to influential martial artists, only a few names come to mind: Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, and Jean Claude Van Damme. There are is, of course, the most influential karate expert of them all. 6 time World Karate Champion, 4 time Olympic Gold medalist, UCLA Shotokan Karate Team Coach, and 4 time All Valley Karate Tournament Champion, Daniel LaRusso. We all know the humble origins of Daniel Larusso from a skinny kid from Jersey who moves out to Reseda, California to start a new life with his mother. Today's generation of teens know Larusso from his multi-million dollar movies such as "Funk'n Master 1,2,3,4,5,6,9", "RoundHouse"(Co-starring Patrick Swayze), "Golden Child 2: Golden Showering", the Tae Bo inspired workout dvd "Body Karate", and the kid classic "Fists of Fun". Larusso has been etched in American Stardom alongside great athletes like Jordan, Tiger, and David Wells. But to every story, is the other point of view. Alot of people want to know what happened to Daniel's childhood nemesis. The one person that transformed Larusso into an international icon. The one man alone that made Daniel Larusso into a household name. Johnny Lawrence.After a few months of searching, I finally caught up to the 43yr old Lawrence who currently resides in Yorba Linda, California where he is the proud owner of his pizza joint called "Beatdown Pizza Parlor". Which is famous for its signature 36" slices of "Sweep the Roni" and Johnny's creation the "Larusso Lovers" which is bread shaped like a vagina filled with roast beef. We took up seats by the window near the front door. It had a great view of the Karate Dojo across the street where Johnny's two sons(Kreese 16 and Dutch 18) and daughter(Ali 14), each hold blackbelts in June Keet Do.


Capt: Mr Lawrence sir, greet to finally meet you!
Johnny Lawrence: Pleasure is all mine

Capt: I'm sure you've been asked this a million times but, what happened to that promising young All Valley Karate Tournament champion from 1983?

Johnny Lawrence: (Deep sigh) Thats a chapter in my life thats been closed for a long time. And thats the way I'd like to keep it.

Capt: Do you still hangout with Dutch, Bobby B, Jimmy, Jerry(the only black one) and Tommy? You know, you're old Cobra Kai crew.

JL: Here and there. Bobby served an 8 yr sentence for raping a girl at a college party back in 89'. He now owns a funeral home in Compton called "Put Em in a Body Bag" Funeral Home. Jimmy and Tommy run a Daddy daycare in Malibu called "Cobra Kai Kidz". Its for parents who want their kids to learn karate at an early age, and not become queers later in life. Their motto is "Strike Hard. Strike Fast. Strike Early".

Capt: And Dutch, you're right hand mand? The dojo pitbull? What's he up to?

JL: Dutch is a high school gym teacher in Reseda. He's fallen on rough times with allegations of having sex with a student. Apparently he was sending here a bunch of texts confessing his love for her. Which is too bad cause he won "Coach of the Year" for the football season.

Capt: What about John Kreese, your old sensei?

JL: He's currently working at my kids' school as a guidance counselor.

Capt: Have you considered teaching Karate at your kids' dojo?

JL: I've been offered the job before but, I can't do it. I've already been contacted by child Services for being too hard on my kids. We show no mercy in my house.

Capt: Well, it just seemed like you showed so much proise and talent to have jumped off the face of the earth after just one loss. I mean-

JL: (Looking highly agitated) LOOK! I have nothing to say about part of my life ok?! I'm tired of people constantly badgering me about my past. Its been over with for 25yrs now. I have 3 kids to look after now. I'm not that teenage bully who used to bang hot teachers in the teachers lounge, or toke up in the bathroom during costume dances, or wears a badass headband all day long! I'm not that kid anymore.

Capt: Look, Johhny, I'm sorry. I didn't meant to-

JL: To what? Piss me off?! I don't need this S***! I'm Johnny F***ing Lawrence!!

Capt: Let me ask you something... We both know you can stomp me, so why rub it in?

JL: [shrugs] Maybe I like to.

Capt: Ever stop to ask yourself if maybe HE [obviously referring to Kreese] might be wrong? At least, about some things? [Johnny has to turn away and count to ten to keep himself from exploding]

This interview has taught me alot. It made me realize just how much we need another Cobra Kai crew. And, how some badasses, remain badasses.