Bumble Bee Tuna

Working nights I tend to sleep way pas the afternoons. During the NFL Season I almost never sleep in late on Sundays. Mostly because I know by the time I wake up, the Patriots are usually speedbaggin some team by halftime. Normally when I wake up and see the Pats losing I always feel safe knowing Tom Brady will save the day. Tom will make everything alright. That was until I woke up in a cold sweat realizing that Tom, is not playing today. After sharting a bit in my pajamas, sprinted to my living room and saw what must've been a nightmare. The Patriots were losing. Not only losing, but getting a**pounded by the Dolphins. The same team that after beating the Ravens for their only win last year, were happier than pigs in s***!

So, after kicking a puppy and pushing an old lady into traffic, I came to the realization that maybe Moose isn't the QB we need. Maybe the Pats should've sent Moss down the field for bombs instead of averaging 6.3yrds/catch. Maybe(Big Maybe) this loss was a good thing. We all know what happened last year when they didn't lose a game. The media pounced all over them about the perfect season. Constantly harrassing the Patriots and putting alot of pressure on them eventually wearing them down. So I ask you this: "Is this loss a good thing?".

World's smallest violin playing just for you

Like most kids, I grew up wishing to be like Jim Brown, or Jerrry Rice, or Bo Jackson. Just hoping to have the chance to become an NFL star. Imagine packed stadiums of fans wearing your jersey and hoping that you will take them team into the playoffs and into the Superbowl. Sponsorships, multi-million dollar contracts, and making it rain on all the strippers you want. Who wouldn't want such a life?

Vince Young.

That douchebag decides he wants to hang it up because his fans boo'd him for getting hurt after week one. Well boo f***in' hoo!!! Put down the tissue and get back out there. What is wrong with young athletes today? Fighting at nightclubs, fighting bouncers at stripclubs, slamming a stripper's face onto stages with $81,020 of your won cash and two of your Breitling watches, having family memebers contact the local police because they think you're suicidal, getting arrested for providing alcohol to minors, allegedly assaulting a worker/valet, spitting on woman for allegedly stealing your walet, letting drug dealer friends borrow your cellphone to make drug deals, and overall just being morons. Its as if they don't appreciate the oppurtunity they have to be a pro athlete. You hear about athletes from slums of big cities that go on to do well. But mostly you hear about the one sfrom the slums that bring it with them to the pros. I'm tired of hearing the old "You can take the athlete out of the ghetto, but you can't take the gheto out of the athlete" saying. And theres not really alot of thugs in pro sports that act like idots. Just that 10% that make national headlines.

All in all, if Young wants out, let him go.

Single Tear

There are only three reasons why men from New England should cry:

1) You watched "The Departed" and marveled at its accurate portrayal of Bostonians.

2) You throw out the first pitch at a Red Sox game 20yrs after you let a routine grounder go through your legs during the World Series. Only to get a 4 minute standing ovation from a sell out crowd that would've beaten you to death with a Bill Buckner Bobblehead doll before 2004.

3) You see the epitomy of being a true athlete getting carried off the field seven minutes into the 1st quarter.

If you're like me, chances are you love the New England Patriots. If you're not tike me, chances are you spent your Sunday rewatching "Notting Hill", Love Actually", and season 2 of "Sex and the City". For those of you real New Englanders that watched week 1 and saw as our Golden Boy was sniped by a Chiefs defender, you'll agree when I say.........what now?

After watching Brady being helped off the field Sunday I felt abandoned. That feeling when your parents drop you off at your first day of high school and you don't really know everyone there except the same kids you were in junior high school with. You know, that feeling like you have no one around to tell you where to go or what to do. Just, lost.

After I cried into my pillow( Yeah, so what? I cried.), I couldn't picture a season without Tom. He IS Patriots football. Its not like in 2001 when Drew McQueen Bledsoe went down after being rocked by the Jets' Mo Lewis. After that hit, I kind of felt better. I was tired of Drew and his selfish attitude sucking the life out of my Pats. I don't expect Cassel to be the next Brady. Thats just dumb. I do, however, expect him to go 18/21, 245yrds, 2TDs, 0INTs per game. Not too hard to do. In a strange coincidence on cassel replaced Brady while hours before his brother Jack Cassel(Pitcher for the Houston Astros) replaced injured teammate Wandy Rodriguez in the first inning at Colorado. Hmmmmm.

I honestly don't kow what to expect. I was so amped up about the season that now I feel like I should be in mourning. I haven't felt this letdown since I was in the miliary about to take shore leave in Thailand only to be told an hour before walking onto their prostitute infested beaches that we weren't going. Blue balls.

Why I should be a NFL GM

Over the years I've come to realize a few things:

1) The Bengals will always have an excuse as to why they suck. Why are they still around? I'm sure some other city would love to have a NFL team. Doesn't Miami need one?


2) The Patriots will always have a televised game where sports announcers mention "Spy Gate" at least 4 times before halftime. Especially if they're playing the Jets.

3) Tom Brady will always be on the "Probable" for his shoulder so don't make a huge story. I've must've seen "Brady says he's okay to start the season opener". Well of course he's playing in the season opener! I'm sure his "injuries" aren't slowing him down from piledriving Giselle Bundchen. Don't make this a big deal. I know he's fine, all of New England knows he's fine. Stop with the Breaking News cause its dumb. He's going to play.


4) Fox NFL Sunday needs to change their "Robots playing 1 on 1 football" segment before commercial. Its dumb. Robots don't play football. If they did, we'd have alot more violent games where a delay of game call would result in the football filled with C4 to explode. And why are these robots doing laps on screen in an attempt to "Warm Up"? Why are these things shaking out their "Hammies"? If you wanna us to be excited that there's a commercial break and want us to be entertained for 5 seconds before and after the commercial, just show us some hot cheerleader bouncing around. I'd rather watch that than some frickin' robot pointing menacingly fro the screen as he paces back and forth across my TV all the while blocking my shot of the cheerleaders. Sex sells. Robots don't.



5) Mike Shanahan hates fantasy football GMs. Just frickin' tell me who's starting Sunday!! Words like "Questionable", "Doubtful", "Probable", and "Not Available" are used to describe women I meet at bars. While "PUP" describes my ability to perform in bed with these women.

#5 brings me to my main topic of "Why I should be a NFL GM". I can tell you if Jay Cutler will have a great year(3600yrds, 24TDs, 21INTs) or if Pacman Jones(with members of his entourage) will "Make it rain" on offenses. Why can't GMs see that guys like Warrick Dunn are done? Or Matt Leinart will never be the Cardinals QB as long as Warner is there? I don't care if you spent a #1 pick on the kid. Its all about winning. You can spend the season vomiting on the sidelines watching Leinart or you can produce numbers and possibly wins with Born Again Kurt(the poor guy has a Marine for a wife. Good for you Kurt). Sometimes teams stick with players that would've been beaten by the whole team using a garden hose filled with cement. Rex Grossman. Now after wiping the vomit from your mouth after reading that name, I'm sure many of you remember his rise and fall two season ago. His teammates and the Chicago media went from calling him "Sexy Rexy" to "Oh, him". Watching him mess up that Bears offensive was brutal. I had him as a fantasy QB and I was physically ill on Monday and Tuesday mornings. It got to the point where I dropped him off my roster and wanted him to break a leg. I know its not right to wish harm on any athlete other than Derek Jeter(prancing around with that "I'm just here having fun so who cares I just grounded into a double play grin).

Speaking of Rex. Quick story. I had a dream one night where I was in a glass booth eating pizza with a six pack of Shipyard's Pumpkinhead Ale(I know. Great dream thus far) siting in a comfy leather chair complete with an ottoman. For some reason, I was in Chicago on the side of street outside Soldier Field. People were oblivious to me sitting in this glass box in my Sponge Bob PJs drinking beer at noon. When all of a sudden i see Rex Grossman walking across the street. SOme young kid asked him to autograph a football. After Rexy signed it, he told the kid to go long. his little kid ran down the street with his arms in the air ready for a catch. Rex cocked his arm back to throw it when he spontaneously combust into a ball of flames. There he was, covered in flames. People walked past him without a second glance. As if they couldn't hear his screams of pain. I stood up in my box, careful not to spill my beer, and yelled for someone to help him or put him out of his misery. Thats when Lovie Smith appeared next to me outisde of my glass box. I yelled at Lovie to stop this madness and to take poor Rexy out. "He's dying out there!" I yelled. "Why aren't you doing anything?" I screamed at Lovie who just stood there, calm, watching this disaster. Then, without even looking at me, as if talking to someone else, Lovie says "Rex is our quarterback". I woke up dripped in sweat and ran to my computer and dropped Rex forever from any FFL team I had him on.



Nowdays I believe Lovie Smith pretends Rex was a bad choice as QB and often tries to trick the media into thinking of Rex as a great humanitarian. "Did you know Rex once helped Robbie Gould set up his new HDTV? Or what about the time Cedric Benson had cramped up his right thigh and rex rubbed fish oil on ith to help Cedric make a speedy recovery? I don't know what the problem is but Rex hosts the biggest lockeroom Halloween costume party that I've ever seen. Boobing for apples the morning before a big game? Totally helps ease the tension".



Honestly, between the new Madden, FFL, and Sportscenter, I think I can do a great job running any team. Except for the Bengals. They're an abortion.



Capt.
aka Treinta y tres